I have to confess. Most of the time, I am a pessimist. When it comes to Zoe, aside from her mother, teacher, guider, I'm not sure what I am.
I used to have so many hopes and dreams for her future. I used to hope that she would grow up and be valedictorian, go to school to become a doctor, scientist, lawyer, any one of those amazing careers. I used to dream that she would meet the man of her dreams and have children, and that I would be the proudest mother in the world. Some of these dreams have changed; other have been relaced by fear.
Now my dreams for her consist of her learning to speak, learning her colours, numbers, her ABC's. My dreams for her consist of her attending a "normal" school (whatever the definition of normal is), of making friends, of society becoming more aware of and accepting of her condition. In my dreams, I still see a beautiful little girl, and I hope that she will be successful at whatever it is she decides to become.
But fear constantly haunts these dreams. I fear that she will never develop beyond where she is now. I fear she will never learn the basic ABC's and 1+1=2. I fear that my little girl will always be a 1 year old child stuck in a __-year-old's body. I fear that sending her to school will make things much worse on her. I fear that she will not make very many friends, or that she will be teased. I fear that those around her will look at her from the outside; the small head, the developmental delays, and not for the amazing child she is. I fear that society will not accept her or her condition. I fear that I will be looked at as a bad parent, or as one who caused her condition. It wouldn't be the first time.
But my biggest fear of all, is that I won't be there for her when she needs me the most.
My greastest fear is that she will depend on us all her life, and one day, we won't be there anymore to support her and help her grow. This scares me because if society hasn't accepted her condition, then how will anyone know how to take care of her and teach her, guide her, love her? Who will be the one to hug and hold her when she's upset and frustrated? Who will be the one, who, everyday, sits with her and sings with her, feverishly teaching her nursery rhymes and reading her stories about dogs and kitties, making her smile?
I do not fear losing her first. I fear her losing the only support ystem around her.